he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
