I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ladies don't puke and tell
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
