So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is my gift to your gina
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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