why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
