Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
