Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
