Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
