I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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