Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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