I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Yo dont text me then not text me
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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