I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
