After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
