Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
