Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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