So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
