Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
