miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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