I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
