Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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