He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
