She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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