We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Vodka?
Forever.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
