I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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