Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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