i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
