he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
