69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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