there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
