opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
