i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
