no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
