I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
