I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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