yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
barbara walters just said penis...
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
