UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
