how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We were destined to go to rehab together
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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