Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
