4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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