I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
