Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I faked an abortion last night.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
