Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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