On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Randomize
