We got so high we made milksteak
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
