i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
