don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
