I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
