why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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