Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
