I want to walk on stilts...naked
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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