When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
