I just cut my nipple shaving
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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